The Roller Coaster Ride

Hello blogosphere. It's been a while. Since the last update, life has been...well...a roller coaster. I've gone from brunette to blonde and back, Los Angeles to Orange County to New York City, from behavior specialist to graduate student to youth minister to Marriage and Family Therapist, and so on.

Today I was thinking a bit about that journey -a journey we are all on as Christians. The spiritual life is a series of ups and downs. There are great victories and huge set backs. We experience immense joy and deep despair. Prayers are answered in miraculous ways, and sometimes they seem to fall upon deaf ears.

In the last few years, one of my greatest sources of knowledge hasn't come from school, or the pulpit, or even  those deep conversations with some of my closest confidants. I've learned more than I ever could have imagined from my sweet little niece, Sophia.

Sophia came into my life in October of 2010, and while it's a long story that's best saved for later, I honestly believe that I wouldn't have made it to this point without her. Watching her grow has been the greatest blessing, and she constantly amazes me with her joy, empathy, and innocent reflections.

My niece is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

A few weeks ago I went home to California for a major milestone -my 5 month old nephew, Sophia's brother Brandon, was going to Disneyland for the first time. For a Southern Californian family, this is basically a sacrament, and we are probably no exception.

While Sophia has practically been raised at Disneyland, this trip was a special milestone for her too- she is finally tall enough to go on some of the "big kid" rides. She was so excited for splash mountain, and taking her on the rides that she has never experienced before was a thrill for us adults as well.

We hopped over to the California Adventure Park (because only California needs to build a theme park to celebrate how great it is) to visit Cars land. Sophia was finally tall enough for the Radiator Springs Racers -and while I don't know if it technically qualifies as a roller coaster, we are going to refer to it as one so I can explain what Sophia taught me about riding a roller coaster.

See, one of the perks about being that aunt that lives in NYC is that my niece really wants to spend time with me when I visit. She wants to sit in my lap, hold my hand, and of course, ride the roller coaster with Aunt Kimmie.

She took a seat between myself and my little sister Allison, and we were off to the races. The beginning of the ride is super cute, and she was loving her trip through Radiator Springs. We saw all the characters from the movie "Cars," made a pit stop with some character who jostled around our vehicle, and lined up with a car next to us -it was time for the "race." Sophia grabbed our hands as the car took off at what must have felt like lightening speed to a four and a half year old, and I could feel her hands tighten into a death grip.

The ride from that point on was a mix of fast straight aways and dips that give send that funny fluttery feeling into your stomach. Throughout the ride, Sophia seemed to go back and fourth between that kind of  carefree joy that allows your to throw your hands up, and the fear that causes you  tense up at a sudden drop.

Sitting next to her, holding her hand, I could feel her flip flopped back and fourth between joy and fear. She would giggle with her hands in the air, and then quickly pull her hands back down to her sides when the ride increased in intensity. Allison and I would slowly raise our hands back up, and Sophia would relax and follow suit -then back down to her sides when the dip was too scary. She was all smiles as the ride came to an end, as was our entire group.

At the time, I was ecstatic just to spend that day laughing with my niece, listening to her observations, and carrying her when her legs got tired. Upon reflection, however, I think I saw from God's point of view -just for a second, what may be a tiny glimpse of what it could be like for God to ride this roller coaster that is our broken life on earth- with us.

Like I said -the last 3 years have been crazy. Bright new relationships and gutting break ups, birth and death, anxiety and peace, and for the most part, as I live it I get stuck in my own head. Caught up in my own experience. I'm the protagonist in my story, and I don't get the perspective that the author does.

God's experience of my roller coaster is so different from my own. Just like my experience on the roller coaster was so different than my niece's. She experienced uncertainty, laughter, fear, joy...and in watching her reactions and feeling her tiny little hand grip mine, I could see and appreciate what she was going through.

Sitting next to her, I experienced nothing but love and gratitude for each moment as it rapidly came and went. I had no doubt, no fear, no uncertainty. I knew where the dips and turns were, and I knew we were going to get through them safety. I knew that if for some reason, any portion of that ride was scary or confusing for my sweet little niece, she was going to get through it just fine.

This past weekend, a long drive across the New York gave me a lot of time to think about God's experience of my journey. I'm the one with the fears and shames and confusion, but maybe God is sitting next to me, gently encouraging me to just throw my hands up and enjoy the ride.

I remember being Sophia's age, and experiencing the joys and fears of Disneyland. There is photographic evidence of the terror I felt being in close proximity to a giant Gummy Bear. It took until I was 11 years old to get on Space Mountain without crying (and it was only because I didn't want to cry in front of my friend Katelyn). My niece is clearly a lot braver than I am.

So I guess this is just another example of my niece teaching my a lesson. To brave the big girl ride that is the world with the confidence that I am safe in the presence of  loving God, who doesn't just make all things work for good, but is actually glad to be on this journey with me.